When I was in the Seminary, all of nearly 30-35 years ago, there was this joke on the three in hell in about 3 sentences. Got some ideas, so have expanded it. Definitely this is Irreverent humour, but like all my posts, supposed to make Us Think.
In the movie, ‘The Son of the Mask,’ the man loses his job, but while phoning his wife, says, “Junior Pooped, which is a Good thing.”
This post is NOT for those who think that Everything and Anything that priests, bishops and popes ‘do’ is a Good thing. There, I have Warned You!
Heaven and hell are Not ‘places.’ Mentioning this, Just in case.
The Angel at the Gate was calling out, ‘Next,’ but St. Peter stopped him. He was finding his ‘table’ too wobbly.
‘Where is my Old table,’ he said, ‘and Who ordered this new one?’
“But We just saw it Well advertised,’ said the Angel in charge of Stores, ‘and We thought You might like it.’
“How much did You pay for it?” he asked. “Rs. 2,000,” said the Angel. “For its quality, Rs. 1,000 would have been quite enough,” said Peter. Too much TV, he grumbled, told them to remove that ‘Table-Mat,’ and got his favourite, reliable, old one back. And he told them to send the next person in.
And he saw good fathernogood being brought in. Peter smiled. He did not need much time to send him to the ‘right’ place.
fathernogood was in shock after getting that sentence. he heard Snickers from both the sides, and found many of those whom he had known on earth, many of them his parishioners, grinning and snarling at him. he was horribly embarrassed, and his height immediately got reduced by 5 centimetres. But his time was Just Starting!
he had had a cook, and had eaten well. Besides his TV, he had had an expensive video player, and a $ 1,000 camera, though he had not been a journalist, and which camera he had not used much, and which he had not known how to use! he used to dutifully consult some books and prepare a Sunday sermon. he used to see to those who wanted to offer ‘Masses,’ and fill in the registers.
“But you never invited us to Sit when we were in your office, though you had dutifully put a few benches in front of your table,” said a voice beside him, which quite shocked him. Fellows there seemed to know what one was thinking! “Except for those who arrived in Cars,” retorted another voice. fathernogood cringed.
In spite of his new hooves, his feet were burning him. The whole place was Infernally Hot! The whole place was a dark red, very smoky, very hurting to the eyes. he too started to hobble and shift from one hoof to another, like all those around him. he was glad that even the devils had to do it.
[Image from: http://zekeyspaceylizard.blogspot.in/2008_08_01_archive.html]
fathernogood’s eyes popped out when he saw his bishop, good old mylordworse coming that side. he started to kneel to kiss the bishop’s ring, saw that it was missing, and remembered that those kinds of things were Out-for-Good from now on. bishop mylorsworse had been very regular in opening new buildings like churches and schools, used to visit all the convents, etc. he had specified even the colour of his ceiling fans for the home of his retirement. Oh, how he used to loll on his chair, and tell the congregation, “You are all Garbage.” Evidently, all his days of living in air conditioned rooms and traveling in a/c cars was over.
“What, you too!” said fathernogood to his old bishop, who glared at him.
“And Hush, do not make so much noise,” said bishop mylordworse, “popetheworst is busy digging with his spade. A work he is Not at all Used to. Haha!”
Whereas popetheworst had also gone around with a rosary in his hand, and had his photographs taken on his kneeler, and all that.
“Digging?” asked nogood. “Do we have to do work like that also?”
“Oh, that is something special devised for popetheworst,” said lordworse. “satan had decreed that hell is not deep enough for theworst. Actually many of the old popes are doing that.”
“bishop,” said nogood, “i always had a doubt. Whatever happened to all those Inquisition and Crusade fellows, with all that blood on their hands?”
Before lordworse could answer, if he was going to do that at all, one of the little devils gave them both a goodly poke with his red hot trident. ” Break it up, break it up,” he said. “What did you think? This is a Tea Party? Keep moving, keep moving.”
“Michael, just how did those crusades and inquisition fellows get in here?” asked Peter, who had also heard nogood’s last question.
“Oh,” said the Archangel, “The Lord had called You over for one of Your Famous rounds of Golf, and one Your assistants had been sitting here.”
“Take him off the roster,” said Peter, “and see that he never sits on this Chair again.” And he was glad that the ‘Table-Mat’ was away, anyway!
PS: The ‘Table-mat’ thing is an Inability on the part of our TV presenter to pronounce it right: namely, Table-Mate.